If I Remain, You Will Sustain.

Release me from this strangling grip O God!

From the things of this world that seek only to torment.

From the horrific ideologies of what constitutes victory.

From those things the world considers glorious.

For you and I, we are not of this world.

There’s more to this I know it.

Yet it intensifies sucking me in like quicksand.

Here again, I find myself the victim.

And what I desire seems so far out of my reach.

Tears quiver down my cheeks in the hope that they will magically renew order like in the movies.

But movies are fake and so are their ideas of success.

I don’t want this. I don’t want the unfulfilling pain it entails.

But I am here God. You have put me here. So I will persevere.

If I remain, You will sustain.

And let this be our basis.

Amen

Thing Of The Past

I once had an incredible friend.

Our relationship was rare and beautiful.

But now it’s in the past.

Who knows why but basically she hates my guts and reckons she wouldn’t pee on me if I was on fire. Yep she actually said that. :S

Anyway it’s  long story and dealing with it has been a long process. I guess I started out in shock. I wanted her and loved her so much I couldn’t comprehend the fact that all of a sudden she wanted nothing to do with me and wanted me out of her life. I wrote a song for her, which really helped me to deal with the pain.

Then I went into some sort of denial. Whenever I saw her my heart would start palpitating and burning in this ferocious kind of way. I couldn’t stand the sight of her. She’d have her face inches thick with foundation, half a bottle of liquid eyeliner smeared over her lashes and her hair looked like she’d just woken up. Her clothes ceased to cover what they were meant to cover and I saw straight through her. She was the queen of artificial. She was not the girl I knew. She was no longer my loving friend. She despised me.

When I saw her lips that were painted with pawpaw cream I didn’t remember how we used to share the cream. I remembered the vulgar most painful words I’d ever hear had come from those lips.

And then today. It finally caught up with me. As much as I kept telling myself I didn’t need her, as much as I kept telling myself I didn’t care I couldn’t suppress it any longer.

I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m a blubbering mess. It feels like a part of me has been stolen. And I wish that I could find it somewhere else. That we could just have our separate lives and I could find what I need in someone else. But apparently that is part of it. She still holds that part of me and it’s gone forever.

So many friends I have lost. So many people who hold pieces of my heart in theirs… and they aren’t even aware of it.

I know I find fulfilment in God. I know only he can satisfy. So why do I feel this way? Why is it that I must keep on suppressing these emotions?

I know that God has a plan for my life. And that he has made me different for a special reason. Unfortunately being different is never easy. In fact being different is really hard.

I’ll get through it. :) It just hurts so bad at the moment :S