A Strong Woman

Sometimes I wonder who I’m gunna be. 

I want to be a strong woman. I want to be a rock. I want to be a friend. I want to be reliable, responsible and respected. I want to be valuable. I want to be cherished. I want to cherish. I want courage. I don’t want to go through all the crap June Carter had to go through before she refound God and helped Johnny Cash so they could finally live their lives in harmony. But I want what she got. The strength from God. I want the character and the integrity. Sure I’ve gotta be my own person but I don’t want to be weak. I want to be strong. 

All I can say is boy do I have a long way to go! 

 

Just Fine On My Own.

Do you ever find yourself doing things in your own strength without realising it?

We like to think that we depend entirely on God but I think I can speak for all of us and admit that we don’t. I mean we might honestly believe we do but it’s only rarely that we come running to God in search of his strength, in search of his guidance, in search of his influence on our life.

So it’s still exam time and I’m realising how much I have been pushing myself through this year in my own strength. I have tried really hard and put in my best efforts. Very rarely did I feel the need to call on God. It all seemed fine and I appeared quite capable of doing things myself thankyou-very-much.

Tonight I picked up this book out of my bookshelf called ‘Awesome on the Inside’ by Tim Hawkins. It teaches you to grow a good heart for Christ following the idea that what’s on the inside will always come out. I was reading the chapter about having a ‘heart that is prayerful’ when I stumbled across this paragraph that seemed to be describing my own life:

“Sometimes I just don’t pray. I work hard, I organise, I plan, I prepare, I stay up late to get things finished, I push myself to the limit, I use my human wisdom, I think of clever answers, I try to invent a man-made solution, I use my creativity, I try to work out my own answers. [I’m] just racing around doing everything myself  rather than simply trusting the powerful God who loves to hear and answer my prayers”

Is that what it’s like for you? And what’s it going to be? Will we each continue to idle through life convincing ourselves we’re doing just fine? Maybe we are. Maybe we’re doing better than fine. But God didn’t creat us for just fine. He created us to live life to the full!

With him we can live it, without him, we’ll only being doing ‘just fine’.

Get Your Nerd On

Exams are fast approaching and that chemical in your brain has leaked into your body making you procrastinate. You can’t help it. You just don’t feel motivated. So what are you going to do? Somehow you have to get yourself going. I say:

Get your nerd on!

Get up off your lazy butt! Make an effort. Have some fun. Look the part! You will thank yourself in the end. And you and I both know once you get started, it’s not as hard as we thought. :)

My friend came over today and he’s got a massive essay  to do so I ripped a page out of my book and made him a little poster saying, ‘I CAN DO [IT] all things through Christ who strengthens me -Philippians 4 :13

You and I can do it too! Just don’t forget God when you’re busy. It’s much to easy to do :)

Love Exists!

Gross. My parents are in my bedroom kissing behind me!!!!!!! That’s disgusting. I’m screaming at them to get out… they got out but not before making an even grosser remark.

That IS gross. But much like that awkward conversation with my father, I’m glad it happens. It means they actually care about each other and they’re still in love after 18 years of being married.

A lot of people say they don’t belive love really exists or that love might exist but it never lasts. I disagree I believe it does. I have seen my parents who are completely opposite types of people get past so much conflict because of the love they have for each other.

But that love doesn’t come in their own strength. It comes from God.

So when people say they don’t believe love exists, I kind of agree. their definition or view of love doesn’t exist. But we are so lucky because we have access to an even deeper, richer and beautiful form of love if we put God at the centre of our relationship.

Sure there will always be fights. Yes there will be times when you’re not sure you will make it through. But doesn’t that always happen? When you’re running a race or playing a game of soccer, don’t you sometimes honestly believe you won’t make it to the end. And when that feeling comes, what do you do? Do you listen to it drumming loudly in your ears or do you listen to that soft voice whispering in your heart that God’s gunna get you through?

He will! God will get you through anything and everything in every aspect of your life! Don’t be afraid to start the things God has placed on your heart for fear that you won’t finish them. If God gives you a desire, he will also give you the strength to achieve it. Just believe and put your trust in Jesus. He’ll give you more than you could ever dream of.

I promise!

Striker

If a striker strikes do they have to get the target for it to be a strike?

Last night’s soccer game I played a single forward position for the first half.

I cannot explain the sheer joy, fear and anticipation that spirals through your body when you’ve got the ball.

I play for a great team and they gave me some really good through balls. All I had to do was sprint and I was there. All the other players behind me, yet onside. Just the goalie, the ball and me fastly approaching.

It seems that all time stops and I can remember this so vividly. No other players in sight.

I had 5 failed shots at goals.

And I had an incredibly decent chance.

I felt bad. I’m usually one of two forwards and the other girl gets our goals and I was like if she was here, she would have gotten that goal that I didn’t. We swapped for a few minutes for her to get her breath back and within two minutes she had scored a goal!

I got the whole pep talk at half time from my friends and their parents. I could feel my first goal coming on. It had to be this game. I had the thrill, the desire to make it running through my body. And I had the support and people cheering me on.

Now don’t get me wrong. This was not all about me. I enjoyed being there with everyone. Calling out to them ‘yeah, you can do it!’ I just love being with those girls and women and just encouraging each other. My friend is only new and she was with me in all of my runs cheering me on too.

But it was not to be. I did not score a goal last night. In fact I let one in. How?

We didn’t have a team huddle at half time for some reason. We don’t have a coach this year but we do have a good captain. I went on the field to kick off when my captain told me I should be in front of someone else. I assumed we were playing the same positions as the last half so I thought I was in the right spot. We kicked off, got it pretty far up the field but it got back down and the other team scored a goal.

All the while my captain told me I was meant to be in front of this other girl, who had previously been playing centre mid, but apparently wasn’t now because she was nowhere in sight. She was now playing sweeper and I got pushed down the other end of the field to play stopper.

For those of you who don’t know any thing about soccer, you have your goalie, your sweeper and then your stopper. I went from being at the front attacking with all my heart to being right at the back with no idea what I was doing.

I know every part of the team is important and so is every position. But different people are suited to different things and have been trained in different areas. I do not do backs. I can sure, if I get a bit of warning and a pep talk and practice at training but this was throwing me in the deep end.

I tried to keep smiling and I kept encouraging everyone I could but I felt really down. Like I wished I could have been with the people I’m usually with and doing my best for the team by using the skills I’ve practiced.

But I did not complain and I did my best. The goalie, one of my besties was whingeing that she wanted to swap with someone and she had already let two goals in. She plays a good back so I thought I’d swap with her. That she would do a better job of keeping the ball away from me and I would stand in goals. Anyway I was not well accustomed to that job either but I did my best. I let one goal in the last-minute of the game and got some dirty looks.

I stood there in the dark with my heart in my throat. Tears welled up in my eyes my I swallowed my hurt and my pride and finished the game. I ran out to greet the other team and gave them a happy handshake.

I felt good about the way I handled it until I got home. My mum said one tiny thing and all fo a sudden I was tipped off.

Crying and sobbing and heaving and screaming uncontrollably.

I thought crying would make me feel better but it didn’t. I don’t think I have ever cried like that before but I have learnt there are different types of crying. My parents made me go to bed and I can’t say I felt great when I woke up the next morning but I’ve got to put it aside.

I went opshopping and everything was one dollar -flipping amazing bargains!

We’re about to go on holidays for the long weekend to this beach a few hours away. Should be good relaxing time.

Hope you have a great weekend everyone!

Irreparable Friendship

She rocked up last night, her face plastered with cement and charcoal embedded in every fold of skin around her heavy eyelids. The crook of her arm bore a disciple who is increasingly evolving into a skinner, whiter and sicker version of the former. They looked lost but their smiles concealed that fact from the world. But I knew. Oh how I know them all too well.

My heart skipped a beat when I saw them in the doorway. It had been months and I was not expecting their presence. But as quickly as the needle thrust into my heart, I composed myself with a fake smile, just as they did.

I had only been there 15 minutes and my night was already ruined. Ok not ruined, but there was a somber melody resonating within me. To get past it I decided to find one of the many pianos at my church. I chose the beautiful black one with a purple cape. I swept it open and began to play her the melody. She was not 10 metres away, just outside the room where I was, kneeling at the piano. But I knew it would make no difference. Even if she was there, by my side, withstanding me and my emotional antics I knew it would not touch her. Not even my heart wrenching song that I penned for her could penetrate her corrupted heart.

But I played. It was disjointed and rendered me breathless at some points. But I took the attention from me and my pain and sang her the song. Sang it as a prayer.

Throughout the night I did not slip a tear. I told the story to my youth pastor but once more I seemed numb to it. It pained me but I found myself wishing that I could just cry it out… but I didn’t… couldn’t.

My youth pastor said he would go and talk with her if I wanted. I made it very clear there was no way I wanted that. I am not crawling back to her. I’m following her wishes and staying out of her life. It actually made me think… what if he did talk to her? What if he talked some sense into her and she suddenly decided she wanted me back?

Did I want her back? Sure I miss her but could it ever be the same. Those harsh, vile words she spoke into my heart will always remain. How could a friend, a true friend say such harsh words to someone they claim to love and care about? No, I have decided this has finally gone to far. Things can not go back the way they were. Our friendship could no longer be based on innocence and joy. I would be too scared to cry on her shoulder or trust her with my deepest secrets.

Last night I realised our friendship is gone.

It is not coming back.

But none the less, I remain to love her for who she was. And I must continue to love her for who she is now.

That is what Jesus commands. Gosh Jesus was nailed to the cross and he cried out saying forgive them because they don’t know what they are doing. One of his best friends turned him into the authorities.

I reckon if Jesus could keep loving them (and us), so much that he died for them(and us). I can keep loving too, with his strength. :)