Here Again, Gone Again

Letter 7 : Your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush.

Dear “ex-crush”,

On again, off again. Like the sun then the rain. Love again, lost again with the doubt and the pain. Too again, from again, all that once was. Here again, gone again, all that is lost.

Ex again , off again, never too sure. On again, off again, inducing love more. Here again, gone again, love like a song. Short again, long again, whichever be wrong.

All again, none again, with all of my heart. Here again, gone again, my love to depart. Near again, far again, distance between. All that was dear has been tossed in the sea.

I hate the way I can’t stop “like-liking’ you. Again and again.

I Still Wonder

It’s been five years and I still wonder what you’re doing now.

Why? I know you’re an idiot. I know you’re a jerk. I don’t even want to know how much worse your life has gotten by now. I know you’re a fool. I know you’ll only break my heart. I know you are the last person in the world I want to see right now.

But something deep inside me wants to see you. Wants to know you. To see your smile. To hear your voice. To feel your hand in mine again. To have you proclaim in front of everyone how beautiful you think I am. To hear you whisper in my ear that we’d be friends forever. A promise that you broke. A promise that broke my heart.

Who are you? I don’t even know. I wished I didn’t know the ins and outs of your childhood and I wish I could forget how to spell your last name. But I can’t. Will I ever forget?

Is it possible to ever forget you? I was eleven when I met you. Surely this was a school girl crush. But I honestly believe you broke my heart all those years ago and I fall to pieces if I run into you in the street, at the beach or at the bowling alley…

I hate the way I recoil to the safety of the girl’s bathroom for a quick cry and I hate the way I redo my hair a million times because somehow I still want you to love me.

Facebook is too darn easy and I wish I couldn’t type in your name and see your photo. See your smile. I wish I didn’t see your interests and your music and remember how much we had in common and that you had an incredible taste of music. I wish I could forget how we’d sing together, smile, laugh and dance. Innocence was bliss. Until you hurt me and then I learned the truth.

I wish with all my heart I could forget you. I wish I didn’t have these regrets engraved so deep. One day I’ll find the courage. One day when I’m as strong and confident as I used to be when I met you. That’s what you really liked about me wasn’t it? My ego. It was just like yours. I can’t believe I’m saying this but I hate you immensely but I love you at the same time.

Why you? Why does it have to be you? I don’t even know you anymore. Boy did you mess with my heart. Why am I still feeling this at seventeen? Gosh I still wonder.

Those Thoughts, That Smile…

So what is it that you can’t stop thinking about? Come on, something must come to mind!

Some of the examples the lady gave at the conference are those negative thoughts that run through your head day in and day out, ‘I’m ugly’ or ‘I’m not good enough I’ll never succeed’. Those thoughts can really take hold of you and tear you up inside but there are a few tips in my last post to overcome those thoughts and I pray that thoughts like these never hinder you from being the best that God designed you to be.

I’m not blowing off the importance of those thoughts but I guess I also want to cater for some people with other, more time-consuming thoughts. If you’re anything like me, perhaps what’s permeating your mind is the smile of a certain someone. It’s like you have this replay button in your mind and an incredibly crystal clear image of their eyes crinkling plays over and over again.

Ok so that’s an example of entertaining your thoughts but what about those other times when they just pop up? Perhaps you’re out buying an ice-cream and it triggers the memory of an incident a few days ago and you begin to wonder what they’re up to this weekend.  If you’re anything like me, you won’t be able to help it.

That’s what I’ve found. Two days ago I decided to dismiss my thoughts of him. I realised they weren’t healthy and acknowledged that with God’s help I can take those thoughts captive and overcome them. It’s been working. I finally got some homework done rather than constantly day dreaming. But I have found that these thoughts are so persistent!

They pop up over and over and over and over and well… you get the picture. And over and over I have to dismiss them. I suppose I thought it would be a matter of recognising it was wrong and then I wouldn’t have these thoughts but I’ve found it is a constant battle. Yes I have come a long way in two days but I guess I still have a fair way to go.

So please be patient with me :) I am trying!

Oh No, We’re Up To The Giggling Stage!

Ok ok… don’t read me the wrong way. Sure my friends and I spent the whole morning watching him and giggling but I do not like this new teacher. Just thought I’d put that out there. But I was thinking, as I generally do when I have assignments due and I want to procrastinate, yeah I was thinking about this:

Why the heck do girls want an attractive teacher!? Like in those movies they have these school girl crushes and they go up to the man all giggly and ridiculous looking. Yeah so school is pretty bland and I know I’ve never liked a guy from school but how distracting. I can see this problem arising:

“My schedule only allows for one hour in the morning. Oh, that’s just enough time to do my hair because I have Modern History (or whatever subjects this guy teaches) and it needs to look good. Oh but I’ve got to hand in that Modern Assignment on the Vietnam War. Oh… Flip, will he end up reading it? Oh my gosh? What the heck am I going to do!?    I could:    a) do my best on my Modern Report in an attempt to show off my skills or I can     b) Do a less than perfect job, who cares if  I seems like a ditz I look good and that’s what counts….”

I’m worried about now I might be the type who would choose ‘b’… but I’m also thinking I’ve got no hope at either. And I’m also-also thinking that it doesn’t really matter. And seriously who could be bothered? I think the only reason I do any good at school is because I’m not distracted. Who could be bothered to do their make up and hair every day!?

 I’m only in it for the novelty of it ;) Honest

Reading My Old Diary *really embarrassing

I’ve written in my diary almost religiously for the last 5 years.

Of course there is more than one physical diary.

Today I pulled out my one that I started on my first day of year seven. It’s really interesting to see the way I observed things and also the way that things have changed over the years.

Anyway on the side, I read things that made me cringe and unable to read past page three.

My life is so embarrassing. The fact that I thought these things were so important and to the time to write down every detail is about ready to make me throw up.

I guess for year seven it was the immature puppy love I experienced. NOTE: it was such a bad experience I didn’t have another crush for 3 years :P (not that it lasted long)

I look back at myself seeing a young immature girl who thought she was grown up but had no idea. I guess it’s good because it makes me appreciate how much I’ve changed, no matter how heart wrenching the ordeals that forced me to change may have been.

I mean it’s my past and I can’t deny those things that I did, thought and felt. But I’m thinking some things might be better left forgotten.

Haha I tell myself I might end up marrying some guy so I’ve got to write about him in my diary so that when we are married I can look back and relive everything.

There’s no way I’m going to chuck my diaries out but  I think I might leave them to be dust collectors for now. Or skip through and see if there is actually any good stuff, more on personal growth than events.

:)

NOTE: in not too long I will probably look back on this and gag too.

NOTE TO FUTURE SELF: sorry.