Here Again, Gone Again

Letter 7 : Your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush.

Dear “ex-crush”,

On again, off again. Like the sun then the rain. Love again, lost again with the doubt and the pain. Too again, from again, all that once was. Here again, gone again, all that is lost.

Ex again , off again, never too sure. On again, off again, inducing love more. Here again, gone again, love like a song. Short again, long again, whichever be wrong.

All again, none again, with all of my heart. Here again, gone again, my love to depart. Near again, far again, distance between. All that was dear has been tossed in the sea.

I hate the way I can’t stop “like-liking’ you. Again and again.

Hopeless With Hairdressers

Feeling let down yet again!

This morning I rang up to get a hair cut. I have thick, dark hair that reaches half way down my back and it is hard to find a good hairdresser. Or even a half good one for that matter.

In January I finally found a really good one not far from my house. She was only young and pretty rough around the edges but she did an amazing cut and she was really good to talk to. I was so excited about it because I have a running history of hairdressers that have let me down. I’ll tell you.

1. Mum: growing up I had a few mishaps, lopsidedness and skewif fringes. Plus she would always cut too much off!

2. [2004- 2005] chick did an ok job, actually she was pretty bad. Didn’t know how to cut long hair but she was alright and did my eyebrows well enough. BUT she left the salon.

3. [2005] went to this new one up the road. I had the most gorgeous long, luscious hair. I told the girl I wanted it slightly layered and an actual cut not a trim. Turns out this girl was an APPRENTICE and found my hair too irresistable. Chopped all of it up above my shoulders, a fringe above my eye brows and the top layer above my ears. I cannot tell you how much I cried. I have never been the same again.

4. [2006] I let my hair grow and grow, too afraid to return to a hairdresser. But somehow I trusted my friends. I had two friends who cut one side of my fringe each. One side feathered, one side blunt and different lengths. Mum fixed it up.

5. [2006] I decided to go up to the same salon as last time and refuse to let an apprentice cut my hair. The owner cut it and fixed up my fringe. I kept going to her for the rest of the year but she wasn’t fantastic and would never cut it the way I asked her to. Plus she had this colsore on her mouth and she would scratch it then touch my hair… eww!

6. [2007] I went back to the first salon I went to. They had changed management and there were some young girls there. I got my hair cut by a girl named Tara. Now at this time I had blond streak things in my hair that were growing out. I’d killed it with the straightener and wanted it all shopped off like Mandy Moore. But Tara cut it above my shoulders and made the top layer incredible short but it looked great! She thinned it out which was incredible and I kept going back there. She could do any thing I asked! But the shop changed management again and Tara left.

6. [2007] I went back and tried the new hairdressers at the shop. Her name was Jasminca and she was great. Not quite as good at cutting as Tara but she was so friendly and pampered us so we were happy with it. Yeah she did such a good job and I loved going to her. But one day we went in to make an appointment and guess what!? They had changed management again.

7. [2008] I went a long time without getting my hair cut until my mum dragged me into just cuts. It took 2 seconds and they didn’t blow-dry my hair for me. I didn’t like the experience so I decided I would find another hairdresser at a salon.

8.[2009] My mum had found another hairdresser and she had taken my sister there. My sister has really short hair and she cut her hair really well so I decided I’d try her out. Her name was Sharon. She was friendly enough but she smelt like cigarettes and getting my haircut wasn’t pleasant. She cut my hair but didn’t blow-dry it so instead of leaving feeling beautiful I left feeling like a drowned rat. Oh and I had an allergic reaction to the wax when she did my eyebrows so I had an ugly rash for a week. Yes and I did not like the way she did my eyebrows. Mine are black and she did them much much much to thin. But I went back anyway. Until i couldn’t stand her anymore. Sure she cut my sister’s hair well but she was a shocker with long, thick hair. (as mine had grown back by then)

9. A friend cut my fringe for me and she did a way better job than that last hairdresser! Unfortunately we stopped being friends. Plus I needed my whole hair cut.

10. [2010] We have this Italian street with cafe’s and boutiques and I was down there over New Year when I saw they did cheap back to school cuts. I figured I didn’t have anything to lose so I went there. Stevie cut my hair. She was great! Exactly what i asked for and better. It still looks good 4 months later! She even did my eyebrows well. I felt like I could trust her with my hair because I’ve grown quite protective of it after all these hairdressers. And now I don’t know what to do. She’s not there anymore. :(

Fall To Pieces

My life is suddenly changing direction.

It’s like those butterflies, it’s the breeze that gets to them. Right now it’s the world around me that is just knocking me about and changing everything.

I’m sorry. I wanted this to be an inspiring type of blog. I’m the type of girl who goes against the crowd. I’m strong and I have been a rock for so many others. Yet this year I’ve been changing shape.

In some aspects of my life I’m seeing myself become stronger and more radiant. But in other aspects I feel like I am eroding into fine shale. And no matter how good I may be feeling about my progress at school or whatever, there is always something else that ends up catching up with me.

It’s funny. It used to be the opposite. My social life would have to go on hold because I had to deal with school. But I guess maybe that is changing because my social life is disintegrating rapidly. I hate how the breeze of my friends around me is tearing me to shreds.

 So many are leaving. So many are falling to pieces around me. I stand in anguish wishing there was something that I could do. Wishing that things could stay the way they used to be. But they can’t and as time proceeds I find myself falling apart all over again.

I can’t deal with this. I have always been so strong. Suddenly I can’t stop crying. I can’t stop events from happening and circumstances are breaking my heart. I’m sorry I am saying that a lot. I don’t use those words lightly.

So what am I to do? Where is my life headed? I’ve got my music assessment due in 10 days and I still haven’t got a song. As I said before, I always write songs with a sad tone but I wanted to write a happy song for my assessment. It was working. I was writing a song about how good one of my friends makes me feel but it has proven to be harder than I thought and my well of happiness seems to have run dry.

I wish this would just go away. I wish life could be beautiful. I wish relationships lasted. I wish people didn’t have to fall apart. I wish the breeze didn’t affect the butterfly. But it does and I have to learn to face that fact.

I just feel as though I can’t even trust myself anymore. It doesn’t take much for me to just start crying and I hate that there are so many things bringing me to tears these days.

Flip I hate being an emotional teenage girl. Why do we have to go through this? Why can’t I just grow up. No, more like why do I have to grow up.

Remember those days when you were a kid? You used to cry when your ice-cream dropped on the floor. Yeah those were the days. When you could be friends with anyone and everyone brought a smile to your face. The days when you felt content playing in that backyard. The days when your parents didn’t take it personally when you did something wrong; they just smacked you and got over it.

Who wants to grow up? Who wants life? Who wants to put up with all the imperfections in this world?

These words keep coming to my mind but I know I have to push them away. It is not right and once again I know it’s the devil’s way of getting a lasso on my heart.

I’m not praying for me. I’m praying for all those around me whose lives are falling apart. Mine is just a consequence of their’s combined .

Thing Of The Past

I once had an incredible friend.

Our relationship was rare and beautiful.

But now it’s in the past.

Who knows why but basically she hates my guts and reckons she wouldn’t pee on me if I was on fire. Yep she actually said that. :S

Anyway it’s  long story and dealing with it has been a long process. I guess I started out in shock. I wanted her and loved her so much I couldn’t comprehend the fact that all of a sudden she wanted nothing to do with me and wanted me out of her life. I wrote a song for her, which really helped me to deal with the pain.

Then I went into some sort of denial. Whenever I saw her my heart would start palpitating and burning in this ferocious kind of way. I couldn’t stand the sight of her. She’d have her face inches thick with foundation, half a bottle of liquid eyeliner smeared over her lashes and her hair looked like she’d just woken up. Her clothes ceased to cover what they were meant to cover and I saw straight through her. She was the queen of artificial. She was not the girl I knew. She was no longer my loving friend. She despised me.

When I saw her lips that were painted with pawpaw cream I didn’t remember how we used to share the cream. I remembered the vulgar most painful words I’d ever hear had come from those lips.

And then today. It finally caught up with me. As much as I kept telling myself I didn’t need her, as much as I kept telling myself I didn’t care I couldn’t suppress it any longer.

I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m a blubbering mess. It feels like a part of me has been stolen. And I wish that I could find it somewhere else. That we could just have our separate lives and I could find what I need in someone else. But apparently that is part of it. She still holds that part of me and it’s gone forever.

So many friends I have lost. So many people who hold pieces of my heart in theirs… and they aren’t even aware of it.

I know I find fulfilment in God. I know only he can satisfy. So why do I feel this way? Why is it that I must keep on suppressing these emotions?

I know that God has a plan for my life. And that he has made me different for a special reason. Unfortunately being different is never easy. In fact being different is really hard.

I’ll get through it. :) It just hurts so bad at the moment :S