We Were…

Letter 14:  Someone you’ve drifted away

We were best friends

We both shared the joy

Of living with God.

We were Christians

We were sisters

We both knew each other’s every thought.

No I didn’t take it for granted

I knew what we had was to treasure.

I reveled in those moments

Assuming they’d last forever.

But they didn’t did they? Nope we drifted apart. They call it the inevitable but I’m not sure it’s the same for us. I was here. Always have been, always will be here. But you left me. My heart cracked when I lost you. The first person I ever learned to care about. It was incredible what you and I had. Being friends with you taught me so much. So much. I still can’t thank you enough for being my friend all those years.

I remember when Dad used to call you my ‘shadow’ because we were always together. Friendship is bliss. Well it was.

Then you got in with the wrong crowd. I had an awful feeling about them. You started drinking and then you went out with that guy. I remember riding over to your house. You’d skipped school and spent the day at home with your boyfriend. As you pleaded me not to tell your mum he’d been there I looked deep in your eyes, searching for the girl I knew. What had you done with my best friend? All I could see was the sapling of misery taking root in your heart.

I didn’t come back again. You didn’t want me to. You stopped returning my calls and stopped coming to church. For years I have cried for you. I really thought that introducing you to God when you were 11 would save you from the horrors of the teenage years without God. But it was not His plan and I often ask Him why you have to suffer like you do.

There is a silent and awkward air between us now. The last time I saw you, you downed a bottle so you wouldn’t have to face me for the rest of the night. We never spoke about our friendship or increasing lack there of it. We just knew. It was the end for us. You chose the worldly life and I remained on my walk with God. We couldn’t co-exist. Not with your conscience.

I hate that I have to be God’s representative when I remember that that is why you despise me. You see him in me and cannot stand the conviction you feel when you’re around me. So you avoid me. Our friendship evaporated. And I miss you like hell.

Here Again, Gone Again

Letter 7 : Your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush.

Dear “ex-crush”,

On again, off again. Like the sun then the rain. Love again, lost again with the doubt and the pain. Too again, from again, all that once was. Here again, gone again, all that is lost.

Ex again , off again, never too sure. On again, off again, inducing love more. Here again, gone again, love like a song. Short again, long again, whichever be wrong.

All again, none again, with all of my heart. Here again, gone again, my love to depart. Near again, far again, distance between. All that was dear has been tossed in the sea.

I hate the way I can’t stop “like-liking’ you. Again and again.

Parents.

Letter 3: Your parents.

Parents …

Always put you before themselves…

Rake up after all your mess…

Every single day. Endlessly encouraging and…

Never complaining. Never loosing their strength or stamina. Never neglecting their role.

They’re good to talk to. They take you places & can always be relied upon to tickle and tease you to make you laugh, even when your cranky at them.

Security is in their arms, saving you when you get lost at the shops. Swinging you above the trees at the playground. Stopping you from doing silly things when you’re tall or small. Surely they will always be there no matter what.

I Wish Love Was Black And White

Eeeek.

I wish love was black and white. Easy to picture and simple to recite.

I wish love was not so hard, merely light and sometimes dark.

I’m not so fond of all this grey, the silent moments with so much to say.

When what I think contradicts how I feel. When I can’t remember which reality is real.

Is it my heart, or is it my head? Should I listen at all or ignore them instead?

Be unreluctant and willing to fall or should I be hesitant, wait til I’m sure.

Because I’m not so sure I’ll ever know. Though I think I know it now.

I’m not so sure I can let go. But I’ve got to somehow.

Silence the heart. Numb the mind.

Take the chance, while I still have time.

I wish love wasn’t so contrived. I wish love was just black and white.

If I Remain, You Will Sustain.

Release me from this strangling grip O God!

From the things of this world that seek only to torment.

From the horrific ideologies of what constitutes victory.

From those things the world considers glorious.

For you and I, we are not of this world.

There’s more to this I know it.

Yet it intensifies sucking me in like quicksand.

Here again, I find myself the victim.

And what I desire seems so far out of my reach.

Tears quiver down my cheeks in the hope that they will magically renew order like in the movies.

But movies are fake and so are their ideas of success.

I don’t want this. I don’t want the unfulfilling pain it entails.

But I am here God. You have put me here. So I will persevere.

If I remain, You will sustain.

And let this be our basis.

Amen

In Your Arms I Feel Alive

It’s like I’ve been awakened from my sleep.

My senses fire up and I am lifted from unconsciousness.

Your arms secure around me, your hands encircling my wrists.

My heart seems to stop at your touch yet it racingly beats all at once.

How can you be doing this to me?

Hold me forever?

In your arms I feel alive.

Light Intense.

I wrote this poem last year when I was going through another rough patch.

It was the day after the Harry Potter book came out, if anyone knows when that was. I remember everyone was so absorbed in their book so I sat and wrote poetry. Reading these poems and realising this is what I feel now reassures me. Everything is going to be ok. It’s just a fact of life called growing up :)

Light intense.

Shine your light.

Diminish this suspense.

Shine your light.

I know it’s coming.

I’m just not sure when…

Shine your light, bright and free,

release this darkness within me.

Pierce your light down on me.

Through my doubt, in my pain.

On my face, cure my shame.

Give me hope, renew my peace.

Give me love and life Jesus.

©retracingme

Sonnet of Uncertainties

Today in English we learnt how to write sonnets.

:P not easy! Makes you appreciate Shakespeare so much more.

Anyway I decided to write about friendship between two young and innocent girls. But as time moved on they inevitably grew apart. But there is always the hope that one day they will be reunited :)

A crisp autumn day met us by the church

her nose laden with freckles, wearing a smile

innocence was the measure and mirth

of frolicking days gone merrily by.

Our pure joy, it could not be captured

the camera doth not recall such bliss

it could not recall such emotions raptured

could not predict what would happen amiss.

Time trained two roses apart, split at the side

her love for me grew ever so absent

memories remain a thorn in my side

will she return or for ‘ternity lament?

Oh to refrain from dwelling on memories

Oh for disdain the hell of uncertainties.

© retracingme

What Could Have Been

Looking at your pictures.

Remembering your smile.

Wishing I hadn’t have added you.

Why did I do it?

Why didn’t I wait?

Now it remains as a reminder of what could have been.

Wishing I didn’t feel such regret.

Wishing self-control was present within me.

Wishing I could take back everything I said.

Wishing things could have gone beautifully.

Your smile next to mine.

Fingers entwined?

Not now.

I typed.

You clicked.

We’re over.

Now I’m sitting here pondering what could have been.

Had I only waited

To Send Or Backspace?

Did you ever go to write someone a text message but you had nothing to say? You just wanted to talk to them?

Or did you ever have something to say but you didn’t have the heart to send it?

So you backspace.

But then you write it again… look at it and… backspace?

Gosh do you know the feeling?

I got words on the tip of my tongue

they tingle down to my fingers.

I got words to breathe out of my lungs

but I’m scared of getting splinters.

So I whip out the phone.

My muscles spin

my hearts sings

what I’m feeling’s written on the screen.

But it goes to the bin.

Are my feelings a sin?

I’ve only courage enough to keep the slate clean.

I want you to know

there are feelings to show

even when I don’t have the words.

I want you to know

that I want you alone

cause right now my heart beating hurts.

Yes I want you to know

I’ll sit by the phone

and  sit by the phone

waiting for courage to birth.

© retracingme