Kaleidoscope Emotions

What is this reality I see coming barreling at me one hundred miles an hour?

How can one reality become so corrupt in the face of another? Does new and fresh mean it’s superior? Wouldn’t the aged reality be wiser? One would think so.

One day I sweep away the dust to be with you only to find the joy flailing to the ground, sirening an SOS signal. The dust pollutes my saliva and I’m left wondering what happened.

Suddenly your smile sends me cringing. My nose scrunches at your scent. You’re attention leaves me feeling hopeless when once I would have been sailing on air with the hope that your friendship brought.

This is why I said it. This is why I say it. I’m not ready for commitment. I just don’t know how to like a guy. I’m ever searching for that handle on what is my feelings. Just when I think I’m safe, when I think I’ve mastered it, my emotions slip through my fingers like sand and my hopes fly away on the wings of a hot air balloon.

I’m hoping I’ll grow out of it. And even if I can’t find it within me to be the perfect girl for a guy, I hope I’ll learn at least to sustain a friendship because right now I’m caught.

I hate the way my emotions spin out of control, round and round. They reach the spin dry cycle and I feel the fabric of my emotions drying out, making my heart stiffer than before.

Where can I find the fabric softener? Ah that’s right. Love. 1 Corinthians 13.

Those Thoughts, That Smile…

So what is it that you can’t stop thinking about? Come on, something must come to mind!

Some of the examples the lady gave at the conference are those negative thoughts that run through your head day in and day out, ‘I’m ugly’ or ‘I’m not good enough I’ll never succeed’. Those thoughts can really take hold of you and tear you up inside but there are a few tips in my last post to overcome those thoughts and I pray that thoughts like these never hinder you from being the best that God designed you to be.

I’m not blowing off the importance of those thoughts but I guess I also want to cater for some people with other, more time-consuming thoughts. If you’re anything like me, perhaps what’s permeating your mind is the smile of a certain someone. It’s like you have this replay button in your mind and an incredibly crystal clear image of their eyes crinkling plays over and over again.

Ok so that’s an example of entertaining your thoughts but what about those other times when they just pop up? Perhaps you’re out buying an ice-cream and it triggers the memory of an incident a few days ago and you begin to wonder what they’re up to this weekend.  If you’re anything like me, you won’t be able to help it.

That’s what I’ve found. Two days ago I decided to dismiss my thoughts of him. I realised they weren’t healthy and acknowledged that with God’s help I can take those thoughts captive and overcome them. It’s been working. I finally got some homework done rather than constantly day dreaming. But I have found that these thoughts are so persistent!

They pop up over and over and over and over and well… you get the picture. And over and over I have to dismiss them. I suppose I thought it would be a matter of recognising it was wrong and then I wouldn’t have these thoughts but I’ve found it is a constant battle. Yes I have come a long way in two days but I guess I still have a fair way to go.

So please be patient with me :) I am trying!