Not ‘What If’ But ‘What Is’

What if….

Presently music is like breathing to me. It’s a part of my life that’s ever-present and ever so necessary. I often take it for granted. I don’t really think much of it until I’m deprived of it. I’m even taking my guitar away on holidays tomorrow! If you summed up who I am you would have to refer to music. If you summed up who I wanted you be, you would probably refer to music.

As much as I like to deny it and suppress those ‘childish dreams’ or pursuing music, it’s always been in my heart. I guess for me music pulses through my veins. It’s the drug that’s injected into my heart. I just couldn’t live without it. I’ve seen the enormous pleasure music has brought my father and I want a piece of that.

I guess everyone has those dreams about being brilliant at something. Some have the desire stronger than others. Some try but others give up before they even start. Some make it and some never leave the ground. For me I’m not particularly ‘brilliant’ at anything. You wouldn’t go, ‘ah Nicola, the maths freak!’ or ‘ah, Nicola, the dancer, yeah I know her’ because I’m no legendary maths wiz or dancer.

Now I’m not ‘unbrilliant’ at everything,( except maybe maths, but I’m coming to terms with that). I’m just good at a few different things. Maybe you’re like that. If you are, you’ll understand what I mean. I guess I’m slightly above average at most of the things I do, but nothing spectacular, nothing memorable, nothing notable to simply define me. And I’ve come to accept that. But sometimes it can be hard.

Like when I meet those people who had those dreams, who tried and who made it. I remember last year I met this boy who was an incredibly talented musician. He had his licentiate in violin and viola and 7th grade piano at the age of 17. He was really friendly and after I asked him a question about him he’d turn it back on me. I suddenly realised how inadequate I really was. No I didn’t have any official grades. No I didn’t specialise in anything. I just happened to be able to sing. He played the piano and my friend, who’s also really good played before he coaxed me into playing him a tune.

When I got home I felt rotten. I’d met this guy, who was nice and all. Who was just like me only 100 million times better. It was like I was the wannabe and he was the real deal. I wished I could be at least friends with someone like that, but he just seemed so out of my league. I wished even more that I could be him. That I had continued the clarinet I started when I was 7. I could have been incredible I told myself.

‘Could have’. Huh. It’s funny how easily we can get tangled up in what could have been. Asking ourselves the silly question ‘what if?’ Do you ever do that? There are so many ‘what ifs’ in our lives. But these ‘what ifs’ and ‘could have beens’ are pointless. Absolutely. Because when we start daydreaming about what could have been we lose sight of ‘what is’.

What is? What is now? As I sulked about not being the maestro this boys was, the maestro I ‘could have been’ my dad brought me back to reality. He said ‘sure, you could have been Nicola. But that isn’t what God had planned for you. God had other things in mind. Other work he wanted you to do.’ He reminded me of all the incredible ways God used me as an evangelist and as a friend to the hurting. He brought me back from my ‘what if’ world to my ‘what is’ world.

I eventually realised I can’t wallow in my ‘what ifs’ no matter how realistic they could have been. I can’t get upset over things that don’t exist. I needed to come back and see the truth in my life. The truth in who I was and who I was becoming. I can honestly say I will never be a child music prodigy. But I can also honestly stand before you today and tell you I have lived my life the best I could for God. I have surrendered what I have to him and trusted him with my path and my purpose and so far this walk has been incredible. He has not let me down.

So for the rest of you, who’ve read to the bottom of this essay :)… I know it can be hard to get caught up in all those ‘what ifs’. But don’t do it because if you do, you will lose sight of what God is doing for and through you. Instead focus on ‘what is’.