Renewed.

I’m changed. I’m different. I’m positively on fire again. Jesus has swept me up in the palm of his hands just as He promised and just as I trusted He would.

In ten hours time I will be at school ready to embark the HSC, my final year. When arrive the teachers will set before me the goals they wish me to achieve. I will dedicate my time to achieving these goals and they will be my ultimate purpose.

But where is the motivation?

It seems kind of crazy but I spent my last weekend of sanity in a church hall learning how to be a Girls’ Brigade leader. I did the exact same camp two years ago but I never did the assessment so I found myself amoungst year nine girls as the girl who never graduated. Actually, it wasn’t like that at all. I was like every word that was written, every song that was sung, every prayer that was prayed, every verse that was read was for me.

Now I’ve got to be honest this past year has not been the best for me. Sure I feel really good about how I did at school and I’m amazed at how much stuff I learnt but what undermined the joy of that was knowing I sacrificed my special time with God to achieve that. I lost sleep, I lost friends, I lost my life. I never realised how bad it was until I had these holidays to spend time with my family, clean up my room, go shopping for swimmers with Mum and write some songs. I realised had it been school term I would just be stressing about something ‘important’ that needed to be done.

If that’s what the pressures of year eleven did to me, what the heck was year twelve going to do? I knew I needed God. For months I have tried to scrape by with the knowledge and faith He will get me through but there was not much else. No fire. No direct purpose. No time to think, dwell, meditate. Yet as the holidays progressed I wasn’t confident in how year twelve would go. I was confident in God, but I wasn’t confident in myself.

But this weekend I drew near to him. I surrounded by some young christian girls and some older leaders on fire for God and passionate about us girls. I want to be like that. I would to shine forth with God’s light and burst with passion for his cause. But I cannot do that if I don’t stay connected with Him. Like this Bible verse says.

John 15: The Vine and the Branches

 ¹“I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. ²He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. ³You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. ⁴Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.  ⁵I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. ⁶If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. ⁷If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. ⁸This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.

Be connected to God! I’m excited now because I can see that I will grow from Him as my source of life and I say ‘bring on the cutting and the pruning’ because I know Jesus is refining me and making me stronger so that I can bear even more fruit. Even though I long for the intimate relationship I had with God in the past I know I can’t look back. I must press forward through these trying times and when I reach the light at the end I will be stronger and closer and bearing more fruit than ever before.

If any of you have been feeling discouraged like me, I know how you feel. Anyone who’s been reading this blog has seen I just don’t have it all together. I fail. I get upset and I get confused. But one thing I never have done is doubt. I’ve always known God is here and I pray that each of you knows He is with you too. Every step of the way. He promises and I promise too. If you’re waiting for God to answer your prayers He will. It might take a few days, weeks or maybe more like a year like me. Maybe it will be longer than that and I’m sorry but whatever you do seek Him out with all your heart and you will always find him.

:) Love

Not ‘What If’ But ‘What Is’

What if….

Presently music is like breathing to me. It’s a part of my life that’s ever-present and ever so necessary. I often take it for granted. I don’t really think much of it until I’m deprived of it. I’m even taking my guitar away on holidays tomorrow! If you summed up who I am you would have to refer to music. If you summed up who I wanted you be, you would probably refer to music.

As much as I like to deny it and suppress those ‘childish dreams’ or pursuing music, it’s always been in my heart. I guess for me music pulses through my veins. It’s the drug that’s injected into my heart. I just couldn’t live without it. I’ve seen the enormous pleasure music has brought my father and I want a piece of that.

I guess everyone has those dreams about being brilliant at something. Some have the desire stronger than others. Some try but others give up before they even start. Some make it and some never leave the ground. For me I’m not particularly ‘brilliant’ at anything. You wouldn’t go, ‘ah Nicola, the maths freak!’ or ‘ah, Nicola, the dancer, yeah I know her’ because I’m no legendary maths wiz or dancer.

Now I’m not ‘unbrilliant’ at everything,( except maybe maths, but I’m coming to terms with that). I’m just good at a few different things. Maybe you’re like that. If you are, you’ll understand what I mean. I guess I’m slightly above average at most of the things I do, but nothing spectacular, nothing memorable, nothing notable to simply define me. And I’ve come to accept that. But sometimes it can be hard.

Like when I meet those people who had those dreams, who tried and who made it. I remember last year I met this boy who was an incredibly talented musician. He had his licentiate in violin and viola and 7th grade piano at the age of 17. He was really friendly and after I asked him a question about him he’d turn it back on me. I suddenly realised how inadequate I really was. No I didn’t have any official grades. No I didn’t specialise in anything. I just happened to be able to sing. He played the piano and my friend, who’s also really good played before he coaxed me into playing him a tune.

When I got home I felt rotten. I’d met this guy, who was nice and all. Who was just like me only 100 million times better. It was like I was the wannabe and he was the real deal. I wished I could be at least friends with someone like that, but he just seemed so out of my league. I wished even more that I could be him. That I had continued the clarinet I started when I was 7. I could have been incredible I told myself.

‘Could have’. Huh. It’s funny how easily we can get tangled up in what could have been. Asking ourselves the silly question ‘what if?’ Do you ever do that? There are so many ‘what ifs’ in our lives. But these ‘what ifs’ and ‘could have beens’ are pointless. Absolutely. Because when we start daydreaming about what could have been we lose sight of ‘what is’.

What is? What is now? As I sulked about not being the maestro this boys was, the maestro I ‘could have been’ my dad brought me back to reality. He said ‘sure, you could have been Nicola. But that isn’t what God had planned for you. God had other things in mind. Other work he wanted you to do.’ He reminded me of all the incredible ways God used me as an evangelist and as a friend to the hurting. He brought me back from my ‘what if’ world to my ‘what is’ world.

I eventually realised I can’t wallow in my ‘what ifs’ no matter how realistic they could have been. I can’t get upset over things that don’t exist. I needed to come back and see the truth in my life. The truth in who I was and who I was becoming. I can honestly say I will never be a child music prodigy. But I can also honestly stand before you today and tell you I have lived my life the best I could for God. I have surrendered what I have to him and trusted him with my path and my purpose and so far this walk has been incredible. He has not let me down.

So for the rest of you, who’ve read to the bottom of this essay :)… I know it can be hard to get caught up in all those ‘what ifs’. But don’t do it because if you do, you will lose sight of what God is doing for and through you. Instead focus on ‘what is’.